FALLING

Falling down comes as an added extra with MS. It's completely free of charge, no strings attached. To get the most out of this free gift, you must first learn how to use it properly. The art of falling down is not straight forward, and will take many years to master, but with plenty of practice it is possible to become an expert. Then you can enjoy this gift to the fullest.

Learning the art of the fall will not come easy, and you will pick up many injuries along the way. There are very many household objects that are determined to interfere with your enjoyment of any decent, by deliberately placing themselves directly in your path. Learning how and why they do this will be invaluable in order to avoid scrapes, bruises, cuts, broken bones etc. Planning your route to the floor is essential in avoiding these viscous objects, but always be aware that a table, chair, wall or other such item, may suddenly appear out of nowhere in the middle of your planned journey. Penn & Teller are amateurs, compared to a coffee table that wants to surprise you. When trying to avoid these, don't wave your arms about, like a PCP fueled windmill. You have much more control with a little bend here, or a shift of body weight there.

Another problem you will encounter, is how to cope with something that may be in your hands, walking sticks, cups, plates etc. These are just as sneaky as everything else in your home, and are experts at placing themselves right underneath you unless they are dealt with correctly. Just dropping or tossing them, like you’re holding something the cat threw up, is a definite no no. Doing that will only guarantee that they end up in a place where they can inflict the maximum damage. I've found that the best solution, is to throw them as far away from you as possible. Non-breakable items are no problem, crockery, glasses etc. are tricky, they will do their utmost to make sure they break into as many pieces as physics will allow, and rain them down over the widest possible area. So try to aim for somewhere soft, but be aware that if they can bounce, they will bounce, and trampoline straight back towards you.

 Likewise, hot food and liquids will attempt to burn you if they possibly can, hands face and groin are popular regions for such attacks, so be careful. Never worry about any mess you might make. Tidying up after is a price you will have to pay for the privilege of falling, and is preferable to a trip to A&E.

Now that you are aware of some of the pitfalls of using this wonderful free gift, it's time for your first fall. Quite a lot of pre planning will be required to ensure that your first time will be memorable. You don't want it to be just a little trip or small tumble. Steps, wet floors, and even the ends of carpets, are all highly recommended to ensure a real good crash. There are of course numerous ways to use this gift, other than the obvious. I myself am quite fond of the trailing foot, which catches very nicely on all types of ground, and never fails to send me plummeting spectacularly to the floor. With time you will find more and more opportunities to fall and will develop your own favorites.

 

A few words of warning:-

Overuse of this free gift, can seriously ruin all the fun. Whenever I find myself arse over tit these days, my response isn’t laughter, but an angry “f*** not again”.

This free gift is part of a bundle. There’s no box to uncheck marked do not download, and you can’t do a David Cameron and renegotiate the terms or opt out of the bits you don’t like. There’s no referendum, no free vote, no going back.